A cure for my sadness

For Christmas my wonderful biggest brother gave me a gift card to Kohl's because he is awesome. I figured since I had to go out to get Jackie's Christmas present that I might as well get a couple of things with my gift money.
I went there for a nursing bra originally and came back with nursing bra that doesn't fit, three tops and the single greatest pair of shoes ever. As I mentioned in my previous post I can't post any pictures right now. I also can't find the shoes on the Kohls site, but you must trust me. They are amazing. I will seriously coordinate my outfits around these shoes. Anyway, enough about the shoes.
Shopping always makes me feel better when I am feeling down. That sounds horrible and it probably is. It's not like I go out everyday and splurge my husband's hard-earned cash on crap. If I could I probably would. I used to do it all the time. Back when I was working and not paying bills aside from car insurance and cell phone, I buy lots of miscellaneous crap and treat myself to hearty fast-food meals every day. I stopped about when I decided it was time to grow up and move out on my own.
Now anytime we have extra money and we spend it on something stupid I can't help but feel tremendously guilty. Thoughts run through my head such as "what if we needed that money something else? What if someone gets sick? What if the car breaks down? What if Vance gets laid off tomorrow? WE WILL NEED THAT MONEY!" I even couldn't help but feel a little bad when I spent some of my Kohls money. What if Vance needs new shoes or Deven needs new clothes? We'll have to use real money then. So it's either sit on my ass and deal with feeling shitty or treat myself and then feel guilty for doing such.
I know I bitch about my husband a lot. I talk alot about how annoying he can be and how some times he is a little mean, but I don't really mean it. He works his ass off to take care of his family. I haven't seen him hardly in the last month because he is single handedly running his tiny department for his growing company. He's working some crazy overtime and it is stressing him out like I've never seen. I think about all the other guys that would walk out from the stress and he is still here. He does it because he loves the hell out of his family. HE IS AWESOME. WE ARE FUCKING LUCKY. I love you Vance. Things are going to get easier, you'll see.
I am so tired. I'm going to make another attempt at getting some sleep.

Gray clouds, mourning, depression, shit.

I got a new camera from my dad for Christmas. It's a Canon Powershot SD850 Digital Elph and man is it badass. I would show you just how awesome it is if I had a publishing program on my laptop. I do on the other computers. Did I mention that my slow-as-shit laptop is the only computer we have right now? Cause it is. My computer needs a new hard drive and more memory and Vance's computer just needs something reset but in true Vance form, it hasn't been done yet because he is lazy.
I've been somewhat depressed lately. It could be hormones, it could be the weather, or the holidays. All I know is that it has turned me into a slow-functioning, half-conscious mold growing on my bed. I don't do much other than sleep and take care of Deven, I don't leave my room until Vance gets home and I have to do the dishes and make dinner. What a LIFE!
I get somewhat depressed when it's cloudy and crappy outside, as I do during the holidays, but it's a little worse this time around. I'm a little sad that this year I'm not going to be spending Christmas with my family. We did our thing this last weekend so that we won't have to travel to 10 different places Christmas day or even this weekend. Vance needs to be back to work on Wednesday morning, so I blame all of this on HIM.
Anyway, we were all there, all opening gifts, eating gumbo, laughing, watching Christmas Vacation like we do every year, and having a great time. And then it was over three hours later. It never seems to last long enough. I think I'm in mourning for my childhood. This year is definitely going to be lacking the happiness and even the comfort of previous years. I'm not one of the kids that our parents make Christmas for, I'm now one of the mothers that makes Christmas memorable for her kid. And I don't even get to do that this year! You know what Deven is going to get for his first Christmas? Clothes and diapers. And probably 5 different "baby's first Christmas" ornaments. Luckily he has no idea whats going on.
So Sunday night after we came home from Bo's house I laid in my bed and cried. I miss my mom, I miss having my dad and brothers together, even though this has been the 5th time this year we've all been together, thanks to my son. They are who they are, they are all I have got, and I feel like I need to protect them from the people who refuse to get close enough to them to understand them. I wish we could be together more often.
There are other things that contribute to my depression, things that are far too complicated to put in a blog. I don't know if there is enough space on the internet for it. It's epic. Epic sadness. Like that movie Independence Day.
Tonight for dinner we will be eating Stuffed Sole. Vance's grandfather sent us all this meat from Omaha Steaks and it included awesome steaks that are now gone, chicken, pork loin chops, gourmet franks (hot dogs), and stuffed sole. We have to at leastgive this food a try, eat the good with the bad. Wish us luck.

Cook and serve

I really wanted the Jell-o pudding bad. I craved it so hard it hurt. But after spending the 20 minutes constantly stirring it over medium heat, I don't really want it anymore. Isn't it funny how that works?

Oh em gee, you guys

Possible Project Runway spoiler alert!

How many fucking chances are they going to give Ricky before they realize he is a pansy who doesn't fucking belong there? Seriously.
I never really gave a crap about fashion. I mean, style is somewhat interesting, but I am by no means one of those types that will go hungry to afford the latest fad. Anyway, somehow I am absolutely hooked on Project Runway. It doesn't at all seem like something I would enjoy. The sad part is it's quite possibly the most intelligent thing I watch. May even be the most intelligent reality show on tv. It's the truest to it's subject. There is no need to add ridiculous gimmicks, it's all about fashion, it's all about finding talent, and fashion is ridiculous enough that it doesn't need any ridiculous Survivor-esque embellishments.
Because of the writer's strike television is going completely downhill. I can't imagine there being anymore reality shows. Pretty soon they're just going to pick random families to document. Hopefully the public will tire of watching rich blond retards talking on their cell phones in California. Seriously, my intellect is being compromised as it is, but just watching the ads to The Hills makes my brain slowly melt. I can't imagine the mess it would make on my pillow if I were to actually watch a full episode.
And as for Heroes, I was disappointed, but I am still interested in seeing what will come of the next season, whenever that will be. I am now a loyal viewer despite the shitty beginning and ending of the second season.
And onto my actual life:
Tuesday Jackie and I had our first playdate for the babies. It was precious. Deven is a miniature tank next to Yalena. They weigh the same, but Yalena is 2 or 3 inches longer than Deven and she's 3 weeks older. Needless to say, I'm no longer worried about how Deven eats.
Yalena plays with toys! It's so cute! She will reach out for a rattle or baby keys that Jackie will hold out for her and will actually take it from her and chew on it. It's so precious it makes me want to vomit. And she makes this hilarious growling sound when she's got a toy in her mouth, like she is ravenously gnawing at it.
I can't wait for the babies to get old enough to actually notice one another. Right now they are obviously indifferent. But it's funny when one of them cries, you can tell the other one is thinking "Well, I don't feel upset...where is that coming from?" Jackie and I have decided that when they learn to crawl we will hold races and place bets. I had better get Deven moving if he is going to beat an older baby!
Sunday we are getting professional pictures taken. I know, cheesy as hell, but we're doing it for the memories. We're getting just basic family shots taken and then a couple of holiday pics taken. I hate getting my picture taken, but it's going to mean a lot in a few years. Also, we are going to actually have presents to give people we don't usually give presents to this year :)
Anyway, Deven is hungry. I must feed him.