For Christmas my wonderful biggest brother gave me a gift card to Kohl's because he is awesome. I figured since I had to go out to get Jackie's Christmas present that I might as well get a couple of things with my gift money.
I went there for a nursing bra originally and came back with nursing bra that doesn't fit, three tops and the single greatest pair of shoes ever. As I mentioned in my previous post I can't post any pictures right now. I also can't find the shoes on the Kohls site, but you must trust me. They are amazing. I will seriously coordinate my outfits around these shoes. Anyway, enough about the shoes.
Shopping always makes me feel better when I am feeling down. That sounds horrible and it probably is. It's not like I go out everyday and splurge my husband's hard-earned cash on crap. If I could I probably would. I used to do it all the time. Back when I was working and not paying bills aside from car insurance and cell phone, I buy lots of miscellaneous crap and treat myself to hearty fast-food meals every day. I stopped about when I decided it was time to grow up and move out on my own.
Now anytime we have extra money and we spend it on something stupid I can't help but feel tremendously guilty. Thoughts run through my head such as "what if we needed that money something else? What if someone gets sick? What if the car breaks down? What if Vance gets laid off tomorrow? WE WILL NEED THAT MONEY!" I even couldn't help but feel a little bad when I spent some of my Kohls money. What if Vance needs new shoes or Deven needs new clothes? We'll have to use real money then. So it's either sit on my ass and deal with feeling shitty or treat myself and then feel guilty for doing such.
I know I bitch about my husband a lot. I talk alot about how annoying he can be and how some times he is a little mean, but I don't really mean it. He works his ass off to take care of his family. I haven't seen him hardly in the last month because he is single handedly running his tiny department for his growing company. He's working some crazy overtime and it is stressing him out like I've never seen. I think about all the other guys that would walk out from the stress and he is still here. He does it because he loves the hell out of his family. HE IS AWESOME. WE ARE FUCKING LUCKY. I love you Vance. Things are going to get easier, you'll see.
I am so tired. I'm going to make another attempt at getting some sleep.