Happy Halloweenie!

Deven the happy gangsta pumpkin



Disney Princess Yalena

We went Trick or Treating. My legs hurt and I have a lot of candy to eat. I hope everyone had a happy and safe Halloween, may your heads not pound too hard in the morning.

Celebrations

Looks like tomorrow I will be taking Deven trick or treating with Jackie and little Yalena. I won't be the only creepy adult using a baby to get candy! Deven will be a pumpkin and Yalena will be Snow White. Oh my god, the cuteness is nauseating enough. There will be pictures. You will go 'awww' and possibly cry or vomit. Your head just may explode.
I think Deven is going through another growth spurt, which is wonderful for poor sleep-deprived me. He actually slept last night, was awake for about 6 hours and has slept pretty much ever since then. I got to nap a lot, which is great.
I just realized that ever since I started this blog the only things I have written about involve pregnancy or baby. I never write about the things that are of personal interest to me. Lately I've been so wrapped up in being a mommy that I don't get to indulge much into the things that make me happy. You know, aside from the TV I watch at night to keep me awake during nursing.
I want to start reading more. I borrowed a book from my brother called The Elephant in the Room by Ryan Sager. Ive only gotten 1/3 of the way through the second chapter because every time I start I get interrupted by a small squirmy creature who feeds off my breasts.
I have been doing a good job of keeping up with my favorite TV shows for the most part, thanks to Vance. When he gets home from working late thats usually the way we spend time together. We eat dinner and watch our recorded shows. I have to say I am kind of disappointed in the 2nd season of Heroes thus far. It just lacks that certain...thing that made the first season so hard to turn away from. Sort of like what happened to Dead Like Me. All of the interesting character and story developments happened in the first season and it should've stopped there. Now it's just become so dramatic in all of the least interesting ways. Sort of like a soap opera. That and it's been moving so. damn. slow. Seriously, it's taken 6 episodes for anything to happen and NOTHING MAJOR HAS HAPPENED. The first season something awesome happened every episode to the point that you wanted to cry when the "To be continued..." screen popped up.
The reason why I watch so enthusiastically is because of Sylar. His is fascinating in his insanity. And did I mention how damn sexy Zachary Quinto is? It's those smoldering eyes, how they seem to burn holes into your soul.

And did I mention he's going to be Spock in the new Star Trek movie? Because he is. I must admit before I had ever heard of Heroes or him, I found out who was cast as Spock and was a little skeptical. And then I looked him up and almost fell over. Great casting. He just needs to learn to deepen his voice into that stoic, vulcan-y low baritone. Sadly, he'll probably be the best part of this movie.
In other news, Vance and I bought car insurance yesterday. Together. We're now on a policy together. Before I had my own policy and he was on his parents' policy. Now it's like we're a real married couple. We bought insurance together. It's creepy.
I think I'm going to go relax for a bit. Ron Paul is going to be on The Tonight Show, but I am not sure I am even dedicated enough to tolerate Jay Leno. I think I'll just watch the bit on You Tube later on. Until then...good night all.

Just can't put him down

At 1:32 am Deven turned 6 wks old. SIX WEEKS! Can you believe it? I can hardly believe it.
For a little while this evening it actually looked like he might be breaking this whole awake-when-everyone-else-wants-to-sleep habit and actually sleep during the night, but he woke up for good at about 1:30 and right now he is sitting in his bouncy seat staring at me. He is going to start fussing for me to pick him up any minute now. I can feel it.
I know it's my fault things are like this. I need to try to put him on some sort of routine, but I am not on any kind of routine myself. I fly by the seat of pants, I sleep, eat, shower when I get the opportunity, which is whenever he allows. This can't continue, especially if I am to start working soon. If anyone would like to offer any advice as to make this happen, I am more than willing to listen and try.

I got my hairs cut today. Really, it was just an excuse to get out of the house for a couple of hours. I thought I was going to go insane and shave one of my cats completely bald with a bic razor. Seriously, not even kidding. I just had some layers added. I really don't like how my hair looks when they style it at a salon. It's too...fluffy. And they use the round brush to flip it. I like to blow dry and then use a straightening iron. It will look awesome after I get my hands in there. I hate having short hair, but this will look really great once it grows out.
And he is fussing, just as I said he would. I must comfort him now.

Bouncing around different subjects

Deven is laying on his side next to me in the bed. I hate co-sleeping. I'm not against it in the case of other families because it may work well for them, but for us it doesn't. Our bed is too small and it's caving in. It's not safe for a sleeping baby, but the problem is that I can't lay him in his bassinet or his bouncy chair for 5 minutes before he starts fussing. He wants to be close to his momma. Makes me so damned nervous.
I think I may have been angry last night. I was mad at Vance for other reasons besides the whole money and cake thing, and I was severely sleep deprived. I'll still wish him a happy birthday and he'll get cake even though he'll have technically bought it for himself.
We decided to go to dinner tonight at my favorite Mexican restaurant since I didn't feel like cooking. Everything always seems to go well when we bring Deven out to restaurants. Something about all the noise keeps him asleep. The food was good, we were both pretty relaxed. Things went so well during this dinner that we decided to destroy it by touching on the subject of my nonexistent sex drive.
Since I get shut out anytime I want to talk about something involving how I feel I'm going to discuss it here.
I know he thinks that I'm not attracted to him, which is not the case. It's very typical for new moms to not be in the mood for anything sexual for a few months after having the baby. I'm exhausted and my mind is completely consumed with the baby. I guess I'll just get to the point: I just don't feel sexual. It's mostly hormones that are completely out of whack. It used to be that I would just put out to get him to shut up, but I cannot even bring myself to that. It's like my vagina and I have fallen out of touch. We haven't spoken in weeks. The best way to put it is that I feel the same you would imagine one of those middle-aged mom-jeans wearing frumpy homemaker moms would feel. I don't feel like the way I look matches at all the way i Feel. I don't even feel like a regular 22 year old girl anymore. It might be a while before I do.
The thing that frustrates me even more is that he holds it against me for not doing other things to him. You know what the other things are, right? Good, I don't feel like explaining it in detail. The connection between my parts and my brain is so fucked right now that the only ration I could bring to this was I really don't see the point. What would I get out of this? That was my logic aside from just not wanting to. Yeah, you can imagine that he was pretty upset when I told him this. Thats about when he wanted to end the conversation.
I feel like a bitch for the above statement, but I literally cannot coax myself into feeling any different. I used to be able to just long enough to make the other person happy. I just sincerely hope he can be patient and wait for everything inside my still-healing body to come back into sync. It would be really shitty for impatience to ruin a relationship.
Anyone watch Anderson Cooper and Cnn's Planet in Peril special? Yeah, me neither. I did catch clips of Anderson strutting about in exotic locations in a tshirt in jeans. His handsome-ness almost made me forget that this was a special on the farce that is Global Warming. Keep doing what you are doing, Cooper. Don't change a thing.

You bought yourself that cake, buddy

Vance's birthday is coming up on the 7th and I am clueless as to what to get him this year. I'm not too happy with him at the moment, so I would really like to surprise him that morning with his own severed dick wrapped up in a pretty package. I would clean off the blood and everything. Since there really is no bouncing back from that, I've had to explore other options.

Since we're going to RenFest that weekend, I was thinking we could just pinch our pennies and get him/bake him a cake. If he wants an attractive cake, then I would go to a bakery or a grocery store and find the cake with the prettiest pink flowers on it. If he wanted an exceptionally moist and delicious cake with a more "rustic" appearance, than I would make it myself.

I like to watch those shows with the giant, extravagant cakes made for rich people's birthdays and weddings, but I have to admit, I would never eat those. First off, they're covered in edible play-doh. Who the hell wants to eat edible play-doh? I'm more of a buttercream type myself. It's just not cake if you can't lick the icing off your fingers. Second, have you seen how they make these cakes? They put their bare hands all over it. They knead the play-doh icing with their bare hands, carve the cake with their bare hands, they make cake WITH THEIR BARE HANDS. It drives me crazy, which doesn't make sense since pizza in every pizza chain is made with bare hands, you know, before it is shoved into a 400+ degree oven. It's just gross...I can't imagine finding finger prints all over the pliable icing on these cakes. Ugh.

The worst part of all of this is that it's something for Vance. He pulled something that pissed me off so much, something that my bi-polar alcoholic mother would say every damn holiday or birthday of hers. When I asked him what he wanted for his birthday from me he got impatient and said something to the effect of "What would you possibly get me with my money?" Thats quite possibly the most invalidating thing he could have said to me. I want to do something nice for you, something to honor you on the day that is about you so that I can show you I love you, you jackass. I'm sorry, I'm a housewife, that doesn't bring in much of an income, but it's what we agreed to. It's not about who's money is spent, it's about surprising someone with something they might have wanted. Even if it's not something that was asked for, it's a projection of how that person feels about you. So now, you just may get nothing, not even so much of an acknowledgment of your birthday, or your severed phallus returned to you. Ass.

Am I overreacting?

It turns out no one gives a shit about Big Foot

UPDATE!

I have not blogged in a very long time and I apologize. I'm a new mom, which means I am exhausted and both of my arms are busy.
Also, my PC is out of commission temporarily. I'm using Vance's which means I had to improvise a little to be able to post pictures. He doesn't have LeechFTP or any graphics programs, which also means all those other plans I had for the look of the site are on hold. Sorry. Hopefully I'll my better half up and running again soon. Still, there is a lot to talk about in today's entry!
Tomorrow is my post-partum check up. I'm 5 and a half weeks pp, and I've lost about 25 pounds. I was weighed last Thursday and I just about fell over. That 7 lbs lost in 2 weeks. I dropped 18 lbs in the first 2 after Deven was born. I have the magic of breast feeding to thank, and being more concerned with catching up with sleep than eating. For the first few weeks I swear I was too damned tired to eat or drink, which only made things worse. I let myself get dehydrated which I'm sure didn't make the baby happy. He's been sleeping better lately, and I've gotten more used to this cycle.
What sucks is that I have gone right back to my pre-pregnancy habits, you know, minus the nicotine and alcohol. I'm back to eating a meal of junk and dog shit once a day, chasing that back with a few heavily-caffeinated sodas, and of course staying up until 4 am and sleeping into the afternoon. Okay, I made up some of that. The one thing I miss about being pregnant was how incredibly well I took care of myself. I cut out artificial sweeteners, watched everything that went into my stomach, cut back on caffeine, took frequent naps, drank tons of water. I did it because if I didn't I would feel like crap, and because I knew there was some one else living off of me. Everything that went into me went straight into him. But because of breastfeeding, things haven't changed a whole lot. Just about the only difference is I can ride roller coasters without worrying about turning my kid into an omelet. It's still the case that everything I eat, he eats. But I am so busy with taking care of all of his other needs to watch what goes into my belly as closely.
He seems to be doing alright. He's put on over 2 lbs since birth and his little cheeks have become so wonderfully chubby and pinchable. He's starting to interact more and even smile a little. He has his big, horribly frightening 2 month check-up on November 16. As you know, he gets his first round of shots on that day. At first I thought the big concern was crying, which I can deal with. I know it'll only hurt for a minute and he won't remember it, so I won't be one of those over-emotional moms who bawl right along with their infants. I have ruled out the concern of Autism because, well, I am also not stupid and don't let irrational fear dominate my the decisions I make concerning the safety of my kid and the other kids around them. Autism is unfortunately a whole other issue in my family seeing as I have a brother with it, and possibly other family members with mild forms of it who have gone undiagnosed. You should meet the colorful group I sprang from. I learned today, for the first time, that babies can actually get sick from it. It's just a fever and fussiness, but I HAD NO IDEA. I can deal with crying, but I have never, ever handled a sick baby before. I don't know what I am going to do with a baby who is crying non stop, not because he is bored, not because he is hungry, but because he is running a 100+ degree fever and is probably delirious from it. I say that because when I run even the slightest fever I can barely walk in a straight line. Luckily this doesn't happen very often. I was told by the mother of the Jackie that I should give him Motrin or Tylenol before the appointment in case he does run a fever. Jackie's daughter gets her first round this coming Tuesday, and I'm sure she'll help me decide whether or not there's a reason to panic and run to Mexico, or just suck it up and accept that this is the alternative to him actually catching some horrible disease and possibly dying an uncomfortable death.
In happier news, Halloween is coming very soon. I love Halloween, I have managed to love it in adulthood even though the last several years I have spent it either working or sitting at home watching Food Network. I have a kid now, and kids are what Halloween is all about. Deven will be dressed up this year. I didn't think I would manage to pull that off because I looked everywhere for baby costumes and they were always out of his size. Target had one last pumpkin costume small enough for him to fit in, and even though we're probably going to sit around and watch Food Network again this year, at least we'll be in the spirit and have a super-adorable memory to go with it.
I'm sure there's other stuff I'm leaving out, but that just gives me more to post later on. I must cut this short and start on dinner. Tonight we dine on the flesh of Tilapia!
EDIT Something went horribly wrong, I mean horribly wrong with the layout when I made this last post, so I said 'Fuck it' and decided what I was looking at was so hideous that I was just going to pick a pre-made layout ala Blogger. Without my computer I don't have any other options for the time being. This, fortunately for YOU is way better than anything I could have come up with. Good day.

Letting myself, and this website, go.

Here is a picture of Deven in his bouncy seat.
Yes, this is how it's supposed to look. I know I said it looked "cheaply made", but when have I ever been known to go out of my way and spend any time or money on making this place interesting? You are lucky you get to see any color. And I know, none of the freakin content is even ready. Bear with me. I am doing this instead of laundry or dishes.

My brain: it is confused

I uploaded a new look for the site, something very simple, and low and behold I can't get it to work. It looks horrible, cheaply done. Something went haywire with the coding. I will be back with corrections within 72 hours.

It's like a miracle, only not

Deven slept through the night! He woke up a couple of times to eat and be changed, but passed out after each. I, on the other hand couldn't sleep.
Vance went out with his guy friends from work and didn't come home until 3 am. He was drunk and wore the stench of guilt quite heavily. He did something, something he wasn't supposed to do, and today I must find out what that was.
Anyway, back to the baby. I wanted to go to my old work to show Deven off to my co-workers and meet with my friend Jackie to catch up. She had a baby 3 weeks before, a chubby-cheeked little girl named Yalena. She's cute as pie. The entire time, from the car ride there, he slept. I wanted him to wake up and do something entertaining for the masses, but he just wouldn't. He was like that at Vance's cousin's wedding too. Loud as hell in the reception hall, and he just slept like...it was going out of style. But tonight he stayed that way!
He loves his bouncy chair. We have 2; this organic-cotton tan bouncy chair with teddy bears, and this old blue one that was donated to us. He can't sit up in the teddy bear one, but the blue one cradles him perfectly. He slept so hard in that thing. And every time he hiccups it bounces, so he doesn't even have to do much to be entertained.
So let's talk about this blog. I am thinking of integrating pictures into it, like a picture a day. So that I, and my family and friends that read it, can keep up with Deven's growth and our family's general outward appearance. I need to change the look of the site. It looks like crap, there is no need to remind me of that.
And now my son is beginning to fuss and I must be going.

Let me tell you about my baby

For the last week the nights have been horrible. Last night it seemed like he was off and on my booby for 7 hours, with at most a 20 minute break in between. He would feed for at least an a half an hour, fall asleep, and then I would put him down in the desperate hope that he would stay that way for at least an hour so I could get a little nap. 5-10 minutes later he would wake up fussing and I would try everything else imaginable before just putting him back on my boob. I know he is eating, I know because it is going through him. Feeding him works fine during the day, but for some reason it doesn't cut it at night. Whats worse? After a marathon feeding I know all he wants is to be in the bed with me, being cuddled and stared at. Not easy at 4 am when I haven't slept.
And what else is disturbing? He doesn't let us know when he has soiled his diaper unless it leaks. Yes, I either have to listen or smell to know whether he needs a changing.
Vance has gone over 2 weeks smoke free, no cheating. Having a kid has really changed us. I never knew that I could ever be so patient when I am woken up by a screaming baby who needs to be fed for the 5th time that night, or who is just screaming because he knows he can. It's all love. Even when he is screaming I stare at his face and think about how amazing and adorable he is.
There are some major changes due for this site. I have no idea when I will be able to actually get around to that. See, there are three draft posts saved that were never finished because he would start fussing in the middle of them. It actually took me a good hour to finish this one.
Since he's sleeping now, finally, I am going to try and catch a nap.