Vance's birthday is coming up on the 7th and I am clueless as to what to get him this year. I'm not too happy with him at the moment, so I would really like to surprise him that morning with his own severed dick wrapped up in a pretty package. I would clean off the blood and everything. Since there really is no bouncing back from that, I've had to explore other options.

Since we're going to RenFest that weekend, I was thinking we could just pinch our pennies and get him/bake him a cake. If he wants an attractive cake, then I would go to a bakery or a grocery store and find the cake with the prettiest pink flowers on it. If he wanted an exceptionally moist and delicious cake with a more "rustic" appearance, than I would make it myself.

I like to watch those shows with the giant, extravagant cakes made for rich people's birthdays and weddings, but I have to admit, I would never eat those. First off, they're covered in edible play-doh. Who the hell wants to eat edible play-doh? I'm more of a buttercream type myself. It's just not cake if you can't lick the icing off your fingers. Second, have you seen how they make these cakes? They put their bare hands all over it. They knead the play-doh icing with their bare hands, carve the cake with their bare hands, they make cake WITH THEIR BARE HANDS. It drives me crazy, which doesn't make sense since pizza in every pizza chain is made with bare hands, you know, before it is shoved into a 400+ degree oven. It's just gross...I can't imagine finding finger prints all over the pliable icing on these cakes. Ugh.

The worst part of all of this is that it's something for Vance. He pulled something that pissed me off so much, something that my bi-polar alcoholic mother would say every damn holiday or birthday of hers. When I asked him what he wanted for his birthday from me he got impatient and said something to the effect of "What would you possibly get me with my money?" Thats quite possibly the most invalidating thing he could have said to me. I want to do something nice for you, something to honor you on the day that is about you so that I can show you I love you, you jackass. I'm sorry, I'm a housewife, that doesn't bring in much of an income, but it's what we agreed to. It's not about who's money is spent, it's about surprising someone with something they might have wanted. Even if it's not something that was asked for, it's a projection of how that person feels about you. So now, you just may get nothing, not even so much of an acknowledgment of your birthday, or your severed phallus returned to you. Ass.

Am I overreacting?