Deven is laying on his side next to me in the bed. I hate co-sleeping. I'm not against it in the case of other families because it may work well for them, but for us it doesn't. Our bed is too small and it's caving in. It's not safe for a sleeping baby, but the problem is that I can't lay him in his bassinet or his bouncy chair for 5 minutes before he starts fussing. He wants to be close to his momma. Makes me so damned nervous.
I think I may have been angry last night. I was mad at Vance for other reasons besides the whole money and cake thing, and I was severely sleep deprived. I'll still wish him a happy birthday and he'll get cake even though he'll have technically bought it for himself.
We decided to go to dinner tonight at my favorite Mexican restaurant since I didn't feel like cooking. Everything always seems to go well when we bring Deven out to restaurants. Something about all the noise keeps him asleep. The food was good, we were both pretty relaxed. Things went so well during this dinner that we decided to destroy it by touching on the subject of my nonexistent sex drive.
Since I get shut out anytime I want to talk about something involving how I feel I'm going to discuss it here.
I know he thinks that I'm not attracted to him, which is not the case. It's very typical for new moms to not be in the mood for anything sexual for a few months after having the baby. I'm exhausted and my mind is completely consumed with the baby. I guess I'll just get to the point: I just don't feel sexual. It's mostly hormones that are completely out of whack. It used to be that I would just put out to get him to shut up, but I cannot even bring myself to that. It's like my vagina and I have fallen out of touch. We haven't spoken in weeks. The best way to put it is that I feel the same you would imagine one of those middle-aged mom-jeans wearing frumpy homemaker moms would feel. I don't feel like the way I look matches at all the way i Feel. I don't even feel like a regular 22 year old girl anymore. It might be a while before I do.
The thing that frustrates me even more is that he holds it against me for not doing other things to him. You know what the other things are, right? Good, I don't feel like explaining it in detail. The connection between my parts and my brain is so fucked right now that the only ration I could bring to this was I really don't see the point. What would I get out of this? That was my logic aside from just not wanting to. Yeah, you can imagine that he was pretty upset when I told him this. Thats about when he wanted to end the conversation.
I feel like a bitch for the above statement, but I literally cannot coax myself into feeling any different. I used to be able to just long enough to make the other person happy. I just sincerely hope he can be patient and wait for everything inside my still-healing body to come back into sync. It would be really shitty for impatience to ruin a relationship.
Anyone watch Anderson Cooper and Cnn's Planet in Peril special? Yeah, me neither. I did catch clips of Anderson strutting about in exotic locations in a tshirt in jeans. His handsome-ness almost made me forget that this was a special on the farce that is Global Warming. Keep doing what you are doing, Cooper. Don't change a thing.