Today is one of those days when I just wanted to take a nap, perhaps get a bath, maybe leave the house and for once see the outside world, do just about anything alone. Without the baby. I can't even get the baby to nap for longer than 20 minutes. I've tried writing this post like 3 times already. He just wouldn't let me.
Vance gets home early, at about 4:40, heads straight for the computer and logs into WOW.
I wanted to cry.
Today just isn't one of those days that I am feeling motherhood. Lately Deven doesn't want to nap for longer than a half an hour, and he wants to be played with, tickled, cuddled, or stared at all times. I couldn't even do the dishes.
I need help and Vance just doesn't do it. He sees his role as the one who works and then comes home. And some days he does work 12 or 13 hours and I am willing to lay off him on those days. And obviously I look around at all we have and I know he is responsible for it.
It's just that he has changed maybe 2 diapers in the last month. He throws a fit when I hand him the baby so I can make dinner or take a shower. I know he works, and for him being outside of the comfort of home for that long is a big deal, but he comes home and gets like 3 or 4 hours to himself to do whatever he wants. I don't. The longest I get, unless I am sick, is maybe an hour. I work on a 24 hour clock.
I'm stressed. The stress of the week is making me ill on the weekends. The last 3 weekends I have woken up with his horrendous pain in my stomach that feels like nausea and hunger pangs, and so I eat to try to fix it and I feel like throwing up. I have woken up with this every Saturday. I think it's an ulcer. The thought of that scares me, especially when I think of what they would have to do to diagnose it. I am not cool with having a camera shoved down my throat. Couldn't they just give me some Nexium and send me home?
I know what I need. I need to demand more help, get more rest, eat better and more often, and cut out the caffeine. I could be a Doctor, I swear.
Pretty soon I am going to be looking for a job. This is the first month we've stressed over money since the baby was born. We were getting handouts left and right and spending the excess on stupid purchases like a new bed, computer repairs, baby stuff. I just KNEW when we ran out we'd be in trouble.
I don't what I am going to look for. At first I thought I could swing a stocker job at a clothing store, or Target, or perhaps work at a bookstore. Not a whole lot of facing done at a bookstore. I know I am never, ever going back to fast food. It's sad that these are my options. If I had an education, or even if I was in college I could probably get a somewhat respectable job. Oh well, for now this is what I must do.
I think I am going to watch Intervention and get some sleep. I love crying myself to sleep!