I know I haven't blogged in a week or so. Reportable things have happened, but I just haven't been myself. I haven't felt good. I know I touched on it a post or two before, but since the end of the holidays it has worsened by like 5x. And pulling out this lap top is such a pain in the ass. Yeah, that means Vance still has not fixed the god damned computers.
So onto the reportable nonsense. Let's start with mommy-hood.
Deven is a happy fat baby. He's a happy fat baby because his mommy lets him sleep in her bed all night and have booby whenever he wants. As a result daddy has been kicked out of his own bed and worst of all, Deven does not know how to soothe himself. It's gotten bad. If I lay Deven down in a crib or his bassinet he'll wake up about every 45 minutes and the only thing that will put him back to sleep is breastfeeding, even if he isn't hungry.
It all started because I just couldn't handle waking up so often to feed him. It was way easier to lay him down next to me that way whenever he woke up my booby would be right there and now that has blown up in my face. He sleeps through the night, or at least he lets me sleep as long as I want, which is waaay too long for a kid. He shouldn't be sleeping until 1 in the afternoon. We have no life.
I've been trying to cut back on the breasts by pumping feeding more formula. There is so much more to weening a baby than I thought. It's not just getting them off the milk, it's getting them off the boob all together. I'm also insisting he not sleep in my bed, which begins with the bassinet. Hopefully by 6 months he'll be in his crib in his room.
So that sucks a lot.
As I said before I haven't felt good. I think it might be PPD as much as I'd hate to admit it. I am hoping that it's just the result of being a shut in the last year. When I have nothing to do, no money, and no where to go I tend to get a little down. I'm hoping that getting a job will help a little. It'll give me some purpose.
The only problem with that is I've hit this point in my life where I need to prepare myself for my career, something I can stand doing, that I can make good money doing and is stable and respectable. Right now I could get a 2 day a week retail job. I couldn't see myself caring enough to want to go.
Becoming a mother has changed so much about the way I think. Having him has motivated me, he's made me realize I can't coast anymore. He's made me realize how independent I am and how badly I need to make my own money and my own life for myself. I'm not saying I need a life without Vance, but that I can't stand depending on him for everything. It makes me feel like a kid, and I am everything but.
I need to get my butt into bed. Tomorrow I am accompanying Vance to his eye appointment and then we're going shopping...for a new trash can. Fun.