3 am, pregnancy, my self esteem
Sounds like a fun post to me!
I can't sleep. Vance's phone kept going off with text messages and I couldn't help but be the concerned, insecure wife and check them for him. He was asleep! I should have just left them alone, right where they were. They were picture messages. From my friend. The first one was totally harmless and funny...she did herself up like a trucker. The second one...wasn't so funny and I didn't see as harmless, really. I lost it, but I didn't overreact! No, I sent her a message from my phone asking her to stop sending Vance late-night messages and then left the room to cry my eyes out of my head. An overreaction would have been waking Vance up, screaming at him, then calling her to tell her to fucking leave a married man alone. I don't know why I didn't see this coming... she's been talking to him online and sending him picture messages for a while, and I only saw the innocent ones, God only knows what else there could have been. It just strikes me as odd that we have been best friends for a long time and she hasn't sent me any messages. I should yell at him for the things that he "jokingly" says to and about any of my female friends. Telling her that when she came down to visit that she could parade around our apartment in a bath towel should have prompted a good punch to the jaw.
I am starting to feel that familiar feeling that I can't trust anyone around me. My best friend flirts with my husband. Who am I supposed to go bitch to about this? My husband? I still have most of my brain intact, so I am willing to forgive her if she stops, and I am willing to forgive him if he, well, quits acting like an asshole.
I don't know how much of this is just pregnancy hormones. My body is really starting to change now and truth be known, I feel like a fucking heffer. I never had great self esteem before and it has really plummeted. I feel bad for faulting women in the past who gave their husbands hell and went crazy, because now I know how they feel. It's band enough that Vance has stopped touching me. I feel ugly, fat, and completely undesirable. I just wish for a second Vance, and really all asshole men, would just try to comprehend how we feel right now and try to be nicer. If he really loved me he would be more proactive in making me feel better about myself. It's just three more months!
Now I don't know if I'll be able to get to sleep now. I hate it when shit like this happens. I always get so wound up until I am able to come to resolution. The words will come out making a lot more sense if I get some sleep first.